Christmas Cake

PROBABLY THE BEST CHRISTMAS CAKE YOU'LL EVER MAKE*

Ingredients

2 cups flour
1 stick butter
1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again to be sure it is of highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Ad one teaspoon of sugar.

Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still ok. try another cup.. Just in case. Turn off he mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. if the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsistiticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. add one table. Add a spoon of sugar or some fink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degree and try not to fall over. dont forget to beat off teh turner. finally throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

*stolen from failblog

Vietnamese Coffee

VIETNAMESE COFFEE

Vietnam is the 2nd largest producer of coffee in the world. This may be news to you because you rarely hear about coffee from Vietnam. This is because they drink it all themselves. Every man woman and child has a quota they must meet for the glorific expansion of the peoples republic of Vietnam.

When you see a horde of them coming down the street at you on scooters, engines screaming like locusts, you can be your bottom dollar they are mad to the eyeballs on caffeine.
Dont make any sudden movements and dont show any fear. This panics and angers them. Make large deliberate movements and pretend you haven't seen them at all.

The Vietnamese roast their coffee beans in clarified butter. This would be disastrous for espresso etc. but awesome for their method of preparation. For this same reason, normal coffee is unsuited to the task of producing vietnamese coffee, so dont even try.

You need a Phin filter.

Pour hot water into a small bowl, put your coffee glass/cup into the hot water and spoon in a big lop of condensed milk.

Put the wide base (span-er) of the phin filter on top of the cup, then nestle the barrel (brewing chamber) of the phin filter in the recess of the base.

Spoon in two heaped teaspoons of vietnamese coffee. This should be 6 grams but there is no way to tell.
Tap the filter to level out the top of the cofee, then drop the insert on top. Pour a little hot water (not boiling, approx 85ºC) on top of the insert, maybe fill to 1/4. then let the water soak into the coffee for 20 seconds.

Twist the insert gently 1/4 turn and then fill to the top and put the cap on. It should brew for about 5 minutes.

It should look exactly the same as the picture below (mid brew).
The bowl of water is to try to keep the coffee cup warm
You can se a thin layer of condensed milk at the boton of the glass
It must be a spongebob glass or the coffee will taste like pants
the phin filter sits on top, dripping coffee into the cup

Stir it all up and eat.

Eggs a la casa Roberticus

Every day I have eggs for breakfast.
It used to be toast, until I found that I was sluggish and tired after eating it (so much for baking bread).

In the morning I am usually groping my way through a fog of missed sleep and half remembered dreams, so I dont want to have to think or muck about  (or be awake usually). All I want is to be able to copy the old routine like an automaton, in minmal time, with minimal fuss, hence - Eggs a la casa roberticus.

One cannot simply cook the eggs and then put down the wooden spoon. Breakfast must consist of psychoactive drugs and protein, so tea or coffee must be brewed at the same time.
Anything else is just eggs.

You need:
1 kettle
1 mains power supply
water
2 eggs
coffee or tea
a shower
mayonnaise
2 spoons
pepper
milk? sugar? creamer?

step 1
Turn on the kettle and take a shower.

step 2
Put the non-stick frying pan on the stovetop at low heat, pour a little oil into the pan
(add frying pan, stovetop, gas and oil to the list of required items)

Step 3
set your tea brewing or Vietnamese Coffee

Step 4
Shake the oil around the pan and watch how it moves. If its sluggish, let it heat up some more. Dont worry too much. If the pan is on the cool side, it will make flipping the eggs easier.

Break 2 eggs into the pan and pinch the sacks to break them open.
I dont mean the yolk, i mean that funny raised bit of middle albumen. The chalaziferous layer.

Get a plate or bowl and smear a little bit of mayonnaise around the bottom. Get the milk out of the fridge etc..

Sep 5
Check your eggs and give the pan a shake to see if the eggs have cooked enough to be flipped.


Flip the eggs as soon as they have enough structure to maintain their shape while flying through the air. Use big languid movements with a lot of wrist-flick and try to catch the egg high, so it doesn't hit the pan too hard (and splash you with hot liquid egg)

Turn the pan off as soon as the eggs are flipped. the residual heat will cook the rest.

Finish prepping your tea then shuffle the eggs into the pan. Crack a little pepper if its nearby.

Immidiatly rinse the pan in hot water, rubbing away any residual egg with your fingers.
The pan is now clean so set it aside for tomorrow.

Get your tea and eggs in front of the computer and read the news while you eat breakfast.